…And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might…

"Can't Fight This Feeling" performed by REO Speedwagon, copyright 1984.

SATURDAY, 5 AUGUST
1600 ZULU
UNITED STATES DISCIPLINARY BARRACKS
FORT LEAVENWORTH, KANSAS

Harm nervously fiddled with the visitor’s badge hanging from the pocket of his khaki uniform as he waited for the guards to return.  As sure as he was of what he wanted, he was a bit nervous about winning the approval of the most important man in Mac’s life.  He glanced at his watch and wondered what was taking so long.  He had visited here before and it had never taken this long to bring someone out.  Or was it just his mind playing tricks on him?  Harm took a deep breath and willed himself to remain calm.

After what seemed like an eternity, the door leading to the cell block finally opened and the two Army guards entered leading Matt O’Hara.  Automatically, Harm stood and came to attention in front of the senior office while the guards snickered at the thought of anyone showing respect for a prisoner.  Harm shot them a look and they both became stone-faced as they awaited a rebuke from the Navy Commander.  He said nothing, simply giving them a stern look that dared them to show their disrespect for the Marine Colonel again.  What did they know?  They were just prison guards.  They probably didn’t care about the stories of the men they guarded, even one who had done something very wrong for all the right reasons.

“As you were, Commander,” Matt said as he gestured for Harm to take a seat at the table in the center of the room, sitting down himself in the seat across from Harm.  “It’s good to see you again, Commander Rabb.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Colonel O’Hara,” Harm replied.  “How are you doing here?”

“I suppose I can’t complain,” Matt replied.  “They tell me I’m a model prisoner.  I simply see it as doing my duty yet again.  How’s Sarah?”

“Sarah’s fine,” Harm answered, his voice steady.  “She’s been talking about coming out to see you, but work has been keeping her very busy.”

Matt noticed the younger man’s use of ‘Sarah’.  Every time Harm had visited previously, it had been ‘Mac’.  Was there something going on after all these years between his niece and Rabb?  He had wondered if there were strong feelings between them ever since he had asked her where she had found ‘this sailor’ and had heard her answer.  He let the questions slip to the back of his mind as he turned towards finding out the reason behind this mysterious visit.  “If you don’t mind my asking, what brings you to Leavenworth, Commander?” he asked.  “I can’t imagine there is anything going on with my case.  That’s been over and done with for a while now.”

“Actually,” Harm replied, “I’m not here on official business, so maybe you should call me Harm.”

“Okay, Harm, but you still haven’t answered my question,” Matt reminded him.

“Sorry, sir,” Harm tried to explain, “I’m just not sure where to start.”

Matt was surprised.  He had never seen the Commander at a loss for words – not in Arizona, not during his court-martial and subsequent appeal.  If anything, Harm Rabb had always appeared to him to know the right words to say at the right time.  What could this possibly be about?  His first thought was that something was wrong with Sarah, but hadn’t he just been told that she was fine?  Matt smiled as he tried to put Harm at ease by suggesting, “Why don’t you call me Matt and start at the beginning.”

What beginning? Harm wondered.  The very beginning, in Arizona?  No, Matt had been there for that part of their story.  The beginning of their new relationship?  No, that would leave out a lot of the back story.  As the idea of where to start came to him, Harm tried to banish the thought, but he kept coming back to it.  It was painful, but maybe he needed to start there to explain how they had arrived where they were in their relationship.

“I supposed it starts with a mistake I made several months ago,” Harm began, looking Matt in the eye as he took a calming breath.  He could do this.  He just had to keep telling himself that.  “A little over a year ago, I left JAG to return to flying.  It was a difficult decision to make; after all, I do have a lot of friends and fond memories there.  Eventually, I returned, but nothing was the same.  I had a hard time at first fitting back in and even my relationships with my closest friends seemed to have suffered.”

“You mean Sarah,” Matt said.  It wasn’t a question.  He knew some of this from his conversations with his niece, but not from this perspective.

“Yes,” he replied.  “She was very upset when I left, even though she says now that she understands why I did.  When I returned, I guess I was expecting things to be as if I’d never left and it was very hard to deal with it when they weren’t.  Also, I found out some things – things that had nothing to do with JAG – that affected me personally and I had a hard time dealing with them.  Then everything seemed to fall apart when I was in Australia to try a case.”

“I remember hearing about the case,” Matt said, still puzzled as to where this was going.  “Sarah told me a little and there was a lot of coverage of that case in the newspapers.  A US sailor allegedly killed an Aussie sailor and took over his identity, as I recall.”

“That’s the case,” Harm confirmed.  “Although it was really peripheral to everything else that was happening at that time.”  He paused, wondering into how much detail he should go into about the next part.  He finally decided to start off vague and fill in the blanks if Matt requested it.  After all, he had no idea how much Mac might have told her uncle.  “One night, we were on our way to the murder scene and Sarah said some things that I wasn’t ready at that time to hear.  I tried to explain that to her, but what I said did not come out right and she read a different response behind my words than what I actually meant.  She did something – she now says it was a direct result of how she had interpreted what I had said – that together with what I had said nearly destroyed our friendship, even more so than my leaving JAG had.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” Matt said.  “Sarah didn’t really tell me anything about that trip to Australia aside from details about the case you tried.”

Harm had to force his mouth not to drop open in surprise as something began nagging at the back of his mind.  He decided to feel Matt out to find out how much he might know before continuing.  “Did Sarah ever mention a man named Mic Brumby to you?” he asked carefully.

“Aside from the fact that he was here from Australia as a part of an officer exchange program with their Navy,” Matt explained, “she never really spoke of the man.”

His suspicions confirmed, Harm this time was unable to keep the surprise from his face as he considered the implications of what Matt had just said.  Mac had never told her uncle that the man had proposed marriage?  The thought staggered Harm as he thought again of wasted time and lost opportunities.

“Harm? What is it?  What does this Mic Brumby have to do with all this?” Matt asked.

“I shouldn’t be the one telling you this,” Harm said.  “This part should have been Sarah’s to tell, but you need to know so you can fully understand everything that has happened.”  He took a deep breath before continuing, “Mic Brumby proposed to Sarah while we were in Australia, Matt.”

Matt stood, his palms flat on the table, leaning over Harm as he exclaimed, “Excuse me?  Are you trying to tell me that my niece considered marrying a man that she never even hinted to me that she was involved with?  I can’t imagine Sarah not telling me something like that.”

“I can’t either,” Harm said quietly, hoping his own steady tone would help calm Matt down.  “That’s why I was so surprised when you said you didn’t really know anything about Brumby.  You’re right; it’s not like Sarah.  I just wish I had known that several months ago.”

“Wait a minute,” Matt said, sitting back down, “You said that something you said and she did nearly destroyed your friendship.  I don’t know what you said, although I think I am beginning to get a good idea, but the thing she did had to do with this Brumby’s proposal.  She didn’t actually accept, did she?”

Harm shook his head as he quickly reassured Matt, “No, but she did accept his ring and wore it on her right hand for three months while she considered his proposal.”

“I take it she did eventually turn him down?”  Matt asked.  At Harm’s nod, he continued, “Let’s back up a minute.  You said early that what she did was a reaction to what you had said in reaction to something she had told you.  You tell me if I’m right.  She told you something along the lines of her feelings for you being more than friendship and you rejected her.”

“That’s exactly how she saw it,” Harm answered quietly, “although that was far from how I meant it.  We’ve both since agreed that both of us were talking, but neither of us was listening to what the other was saying that night.”

“Then how exactly did you mean it?” Matt asked, a hint of anger in his voice.  Not that Harm could blame him.  He’d certainly been angry enough at himself in the months following that disastrous ferry ride.

“As I said before, there was a lot going on, both professionally and personally, leading up to that point,” Harm explained, “I was not at a very good place in my life and I was not ready for what she wanted, even if I wanted the same things, too.  I tried to explain that to her, tried to ask her to be patient and wait for me, but ....” he trailed off, uncertain.

“You’ve never struck me as a man at a loss for words, Commander,” Matt said angrily as Harm visibly flinched.  A part of him suggested that maybe it would have been a better idea to skip over all this and jump right into wanting to marry Mac.  But he needed Matt to understand what was between them, even if parts of the story painted a less than flattering portrait.

“I know,” Harm replied quietly, “but this was just different.”

“Okay,” Matt stated, “so then what happened after what happened in Australia nearly destroyed your friendship?”

“For a long while,” Harm continued, “things were very tense between us.  I became involved – well, more deeply involved - with someone else, a reaction to Brumby’s proposal.  It sounds shallow, but there was no emotional attachment.  I just wanted to forget everything that had happened.  Occasionally, there would be brief flashes of the old spark, but it was almost as if we were strangers.”

“You said Sarah turned down the proposal,” Matt reminded him.  “What changed?”

“The Friday before Memorial Day, everyone at JAG was attending a ball to watch the Admiral receive an award,” Harm explained.  “Mic Brumby showed up suddenly.  He’d been back in Australia for several months, but he said that he had gone into the Reserves so that he could move to Washington to be near her.  For months, I had tried to avoid thinking about the fact that she was nearly engaged to another man and she had been avoiding making a decision.”

“But now your hands were forced, as it were,” Matt said.

“Yes,” Harm said.  “As we were going into the ball just after Brumby had made his announcement, she looked at me and she looked .... I don’t know how to explain it.  Lost, terrified, confused?  It was like she was begging me to help her get out of this impossible situation.  We later shared one dance and it was as if we were the only two people in the world, as if the last year had never happened.  It opened a lot of eyes, particularly our own, as well as those of the people we were with.

“My girlfriend broke things off the next day, telling me that I needed to go after Sarah.  At the same time, Brumby decided that he couldn’t be content playing second fiddle and he told Sarah to step back and discover whether or not she could put him first in her life.  In addition, one of our friends decided to play a little matchmaking.  One thing led to another and we finally able to truly open up with each other,” Harm concluded.

“So you two became involved?”  Matt asked.

“Yes,” Harm answered, “and we have been since that weekend.  That’s why I’m here.  I want to propose to Sarah, but I really want your blessing.  You are the most important person in Sarah’s life and I need to know that we have your approval.”

“Tell me this, Commander,” Matt said.  “After everything you’ve just told me, why should I approve?  You hurt someone very precious to me.”

“I know and I can only tell you how sorry I am,” Harm replied.  “I know that may sound lame and a bit like ‘too little, too late’, but Sarah and I both know we have made mistakes.  And after everything we’ve been through, how we almost lost each other, we both know how precious this is.  I don’t blame you for thinking what you are thinking right now.  I suppose if I were in your shoes and if I had a daughter who was hurt as much as Sarah had been hurt, I would probably react the same way.”

Matt leaned back in his chair and studied Harm for a long moment.  “Let me tell you exactly what I am thinking,” he suggested.  “Yes, you did hurt my niece and perhaps that would be unforgivable, but there are other things to consider here.  First, you do seem to be shouldering a lot of the blame yourself, even though it seems from what you’ve told me that Sarah may be as much at fault in this situation as you.  Second, you are not trying to convince me to feel a certain way.  You have simply laid out your case and are letting me make up my own mind based on the evidence.

“Finally, and perhaps most importantly,” Matt continued, “it took a lot of courage to come here today and tell me all this.  A lot of men probably would have skipped over all of the painful explanations and jumped right into ‘I want to marry your niece.’  I do have to admire that in spite of everything you have just told me.  You must love my niece a lot to have risked my wrath like that.”

“Yes, I do love her,” Harm replied quietly.  “And she loves you and respects your opinion.  That is why I came here today.  It’s important for me – for us – that you are on our side.”

“Let me ask you a few things,” Matt suggested.  “What about work?  Being a military man myself, I’m aware of the regulations.”

“We both love JAG and would rather not leave,” Harm said. “Fortunately, our CO has been understanding and has been willing to try to work things out so that we can both remain at JAG.  If it were to ever reach a point where one of us would have to leave, I don’t know what we would do, but we would work it out somehow.  After years of being married to the military, I know that what I have with Sarah is far more important than any job.  I can always find another job as a lawyer, even if it means leaving the Navy.  But I’ll never find another Sarah.”

“Which also speaks very highly of you,” Matt pointed out.  “Although I’m sure if asked, Sarah’s response would be similar.  What about a family?  I assume there are children in your future.  How will that affect your careers?  You both travel a lot in performing your duties.”

Harm took a deep breath as he considered how to answer.  Mac had not told her uncle about the pregnancy yet, preferring to tell him in person.  She just hadn’t been able to get away from Washington recently.  He had been able to get away this weekend partly because Mac had been out of town all week with Bud on an investigation while he had been required to stay behind to tie up some lose ends in a court-martial.  But Matt would find out about the pregnancy eventually and he would be able to count the months.  He didn’t want to take away from Mac the chance to tell her uncle the news, but he wanted Matt to understand that he wasn’t proposing because of the baby. 

“Actually, Sarah and I are already expecting a baby in February,” he told Matt.  “We’ve known for a month, but she wanted to tell you in person.  That’s why she has wanted to come out here to see you.  I wanted her to be the one to tell you, but I don’t want you to think that this will be a shotgun wedding.  As far as how we will work our careers around our family, we haven’t reached any firm decisions yet, but we both want to take off some time when the baby is born and we have already had some discussion with the Admiral about cutting back on the amount of travel that we both do.  We don’t want to be strangers to our own child that he or she only sees on the weekends.”

“You’re already expecting a baby, yet you insist this won’t be a shotgun wedding,” Matt mused.  “Forgive me, but a lot of people would find that very hard to believe.”

“Actually, Sarah and I have discussed from the beginning of our relationship wanting to have a child and sooner rather than later.  We’ve also informally discussed getting married.  We didn’t quite expect the baby quite this soon, but we are thrilled about it.  It was quite something to find out that Sarah is pregnant.”

“I see,” Matt replied.  “You have given me a lot to think about, Harm.”

Harm relaxed at the other man’s use of his given name again.  Maybe Matt would be able to get past his anger.  He certainly hoped so.  Harm didn’t want her uncle’s disapproval to be a sore spot between Mac and him.  “I understand if you need some time to think about this,” he finally said.

“Well,” Matt replied, “if you had asked me a few minutes ago, I would definitely have to have disapproved.  Now, to a lot of people, that may not mean a lot.  Sarah certainly doesn’t need my permission to get married.”

“No, but your approval and blessing is very important to her,” Harm interrupted, “to both of us.”

Matt held up his hand to silence him.  “Let me finish,” he insisted.  “I have always admired you, ever since Arizona.  You didn’t have to stand by me, stand by my niece, the way you did, even after it appeared that Sarah had turned on you.  You didn’t even know us.  And as I said earlier, it took a lot of guts to come here today and tell me what you have.  I can see that you really do love my niece.”

“That being said,” Matt continued, leaving across the table to look Harm in the eye, “if you ever hurt my niece in any way .... ”

“Understood, Sir,” Harm replied.  Matt didn’t need to complete the threat. 

Matt leaned back in his chair again and smiled.  “Then I guess we have an understanding,” he said.  “Please tell Sarah that I love her and to take care of herself and the baby.”

“I will, Matt, and thank you,” Harm said, holding out his hand, which Matt shook.  Harm stood to leave.  “With your permission, Sir.”

“Just take care of Sarah, Harm,” Matt said, standing.

“Aye, aye, Sir,” Harm replied, coming to attention before pivoting to leave.  As he was about to walk out the door, Matt called out to him.

“You will let me know as soon as you set a wedding date,” Matt said.

“You’ll be one of the first to know,” Harm promised.  “I know some people who might be able to arrange a furlough.  It would mean a lot to Sarah if you could be there to walk her down the aisle.”

“It would mean a lot to me, too,” Matt replied.  “Thank you and best of luck to both of you.”

Part 2