Mac:

TWO HOURS LATER
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA

I'm smiling, humming 'Deck the Halls' as I walk through the bullpen with a stack of files for the case the Admiral just handed me.  I smile at Gunny as I stop by his desk, handing him the top folder on my stack.  "I have some research I need done," I say as he opens the folder.  "The details are all on top.  No rush on this.  I'm going on leave in a couple of days and this case doesn't go to trial until after the New Year."

"I'll get on it as soon as possible," he replies, closing the folder and placing it in his inbox.  "The research will be waiting on your desk when you get back from Pennsylvania."

"Thanks, Gunny," I reply, turning for my office as I see a familiar figure walking towards me in Marine greens, accompanied by a young woman also dressed in a Marine uniform.  She must be the mysterious Lisa that Sergei has hinted about in his last few phone calls.  I wave them over.  "Sergei, what a nice surprise.  What brings you .... " My voice trails off as I get a good look at his face and I know that whatever has brought him to DC, it is not good news.  About a thousand possibilities race through my mind and I steel myself for whatever it is that he is about to tell me.

"Mac, can we go in your office?" he asks.  More than the tone of his voice, so dull and lifeless, his words frighten me.  I may be his sister-in-law, but military protocol is as much a part of him as it is the rest of us.  I can't recall him ever calling me by my name while we have been in uniform.  I am, after all, a superior officer, despite being family.  Mutely, I nod as I lead them into my office.

His friend sits in one of the chairs in front of my desk, but Sergei remains standing, staring at me with an unreadable expression.  I can't begin to count the number of times I've seen a similar expression on Harm's face, usually when he's trying to mask his emotions.  I sit down, forcing myself not to fidget as I wait for him to tell me what has brought him here.  Finally, after a lengthy silence that seems to stretch on into eternity, he asks, "Is Harm around?"

I shake my head, replying, "He's stuck up on the Hill today, some last minute business before Congress adjourns for the holidays."  It puzzles me that Sergei almost looks relieved that Harm isn't around, as if he doesn't want to tell Harm what is on his mind.  What could possibly be that bad ....  

"I got a call from June Randall," he says quietly.  I recognize the name and a feeling of dread settles over me, stronger than ever.  Please God, don't let him say what I think he is about to.  Please God, anything but that.  But my silent prayers are in vain.  "Gram died in her sleep last night."

I cover my mouth with my hand in shock as tears spring to my eyes, my other hand going to my stomach in an automatic gesture, as if to reassure myself that life goes on in the form of the child growing safely inside me, a child who will never know first hand what a wonderful woman his or her great-grandmother was.  And what of Sarah and Matt?  They're not quite five.  Will there come a day when they won't even remember the gentle woman who would hug them and tell them stories?  Oh, God, what about Harm?  He loves his grandmother so much.  We all do.  In so many ways, I think she is the glue that has held this family together through everything.

"Mac, are you okay?" Sergei asks, kneeling beside my chair, a hand on my arm.  His grandmother just died and he's asking how I'm doing?  Biting my lower lip, I nod, fighting to control the tears as I remember the first time I met Gram.  There was no hesitation, no concern over my past mistakes, only a welcoming acceptance.  She is .... or was an amazing woman.  It never surprised me that Harm wanted to name our daughter after her.  I couldn't ask for a better role model for my daughter to live up to.

"What about you?" I ask, turning to look at him.  I can see, just beneath the surface, how much he is struggling for control.  I know that look.  He is so much like his brother sometimes it's almost scary.  Harm has been a major influence on him the last five years.

"I am fine," he says, sounding almost as if he's trying to assure himself of that as much as me.  "I just .... there are things that need to be done."

I nod in agreement, thankful for something to focus on other than the pain.  "Do Mom and Dad know yet?" I ask, calculating the time in California.  It's still early there, probably too early for them to be up and what news to wake up to.

Sergei shakes his head.  "I told Mrs. Randall that I would .... take care of it," he replies.  His voice sounds so distant.  "I wanted to wait a little bit.  I didn't want to wake them up with this."

"I should call Harm," I say, my voice sounding foreign to my ears.  "I'll call him and ask him to go home.  And I'll pick up the kids from school on my way there.  I really need to see my kids right now.   You'll come, won't you?  I know Harm will want to see you."  Sergei nods as I reach for the phone, trying to concentrate as I dial the number for the small office Harm keeps in the Capitol.  Why can't I remember the number?

I can feel Sergei's eyes on me, watching me, as I finally manage to dial the right number.  I listen to the ringing sound and a part of me hopes that he isn't there, that I can let him go on just a little bit longer believing everything is all right with the world.  But my hopes are dashed when he picks up on the third ring.  "Captain Rabb," he says, his voice cheerful.  I hate to be the one to shatter his good spirits.

"Harm, it's me," I somehow manage to say, fighting a losing battle to control my voice. 

"Sarah?" he says, his voice concerned.  "Baby, what is it?"

"Can you go home?" I ask, blinking back tears.  I try to brush them away with my hand, but they won't stop falling.  "I'm on my way there and .... "

"Sarah, is something wrong?  Is it the baby?" he asks, the words tumbling from his mouth.  I shake my head, forgetting for a moment that he's not in the room with me.

"No," I reply, my voice trembling.  "Please, just go home and I'll explain everything there."  I can tell that he's about to protest, wanting to know more, but I stop him with a single word.  "Please."

"Okay," he concedes reluctantly, hanging up the phone on his end.  I can almost see him in my mind, rushing from his desk and grabbing his coat as he races out the door.  I know that I probably scared him, but I didn't know what to say.  How do I tell him this?

Almost as if I'm in a trance, I stand and grab my coat from the rack behind the door.  I blink several times as I pull the coat on, trying to clear my cloudy eyes.  I cover my mouth again as a sob escapes me.  Sergei puts his arm around me and leads me back to my chair.  "Why don't you sit down for a minute?" he suggests.  "I'll go talk to the Admiral, let him know what's going on."

I look up at him, my eyes wide.  I'd forgotten completely.  I would have just walked out of here without saying a word to anyone.   I just hurt so much right now.  I can't imagine hurting more if Gram were actually my own flesh and blood.  Then again, she was more like family to me than some of my own blood relatives.  I nod shakily.

As Sergei leaves, I try to smile at his friend, who is trying hard not to look at me.  I guess not many 2^nd Lieutenants get stuck in an office with a tearful Colonel.  "You must be Lisa," I say, grabbing a handful of tissues out of the box on the corner of my desk.  I dab at my eyes, wishing that the tears would stop falling.  "Sergei has talked about you.  I'm Sarah Rabb." 

"Lieutenant Lisa Stafford, Ma'am," she says, her voice a little nervous.  She shrugs.  "I drove Sergei here.  He just got in from a training flight and hasn't been to bed yet and he was so upset when he got that phone call."

"I understand," I say.  She seems to really care for Sergei.  I'm glad that he has someone to be there for him at a time like this.  "Harm and Sergei, they're both very close to Gram.  She's an amazing woman."  It occurs to me that I'm talking about Gram in the present tense, but I can't stop thinking about her that way.  I just can't believe that she's gone yet.

"Sergei talks a lot about her," Lisa says, smiling a little.  "He was really upset that he wasn't going to be able to go to the farm for Christmas."  She stops and looks down at her hands.  In just a few minutes, I'd managed to almost forget about Christmas.  Since Harm and I got married, it has been a new family tradition for all of us to gather together at this time, to celebrate a holiday which used to be about sadness and loss.  I thought Christmas was supposed to be about hope and life or it has been since I got married and had my children.  It shouldn't be about death.  Not back in 1969 and not now.

I look down at my lap myself, not sure what to say.  I look up when I hear my door open to see Sergei standing there with the Admiral.  Lisa and I automatically stand, but he waves us off.  "Do you need anything, Mac?" he asks, his voice full of concern.

"Not right now, Sir," I reply weakly, shrugging.  "I just want to be with my family right now."

"I understand," he says.  "Take all the time you need.  You'll call if you need anything?"

I nod, promising, "I will, Sir.  I'm just .... I need to leave now.  I called Harm and he's supposed to meet me at home and I want to pick the kids up from school on the way."

The Admiral nods, satisfied for now with my response.  "Tell Harm that Sydney and I will be thinking of all of you," he says and I manage a small smile.  In many ways, the people here at JAG are as much like family to me and Harm as our own relatives.

I take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what is to come.  Oh, Harm.  This is going to devastate you.  I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you.  I just wish there was something I could do.  

Part 3 - Harm